Reupholstery

Following – unwittingly – in same vein as yesterday’s post on reinvention, here’s one about boob jobs.

I have received a press release from Mybreast.org. This is because I have written about boob jobs quite often and as a result have had grounds to consult with the experts regularly. Oddly – or perhaps not so oddly? - in this case the expert is a man.

No matter. He writes that ‘Women say: It’s a storm in a ‘C’ cup’ and that major new survey reveals Posh and Jordan’s figures are at bottom of the list of celebs to emulate.  I’m not entirely sure why this is news? I’ve never wanted to look like either. Especially not Posh who looks like a stick insect with tits. Big ones. Big enough to offset centre of balance so that she falls flat on her pretty little face (which you don’t often see because it’s hidden underneath outsized sunglasses) and risks breaking nose which would mean nose job too.  

I digress. The mybreast.org survey of over 1500 women considering boob jobs suggests ‘most women are more keen to emulate the natural curves of celebrities like Charlotte Church rather than the less ‘proportionate’ looks of Jordan or Victoria Beckham, and that they only want a bra cup one size larger than they currently wear’.

Other ‘fascinating insights into the thoughts and aspirations of women who are thinking of having a ‘boob-job”’ include suggestion that only 3% of women wanted breast surgery in order to attract more attention from males (bollocks!) and ‘The top reasons for wanting a breast augmentation are increased confidence (66%) and a desire to feel more womanly (30%)’.  

If I were to upgrade one cup size I’d be an almighty A cup.

I can think of several reasons to have a boob job – though none have much to do with either Charlotte Church or a desire to feel more feminine.

If I had a boob job, I would not have to scour the lingerie departments for tiny grown up bras (as opposed to wearing something from the teen section with Babe embroidered on one breast) , I would not have to suffer humiliation when Amelia roars from across the lingerie department – which contains 47 women all far better endowed than I am – ‘hey look mum, here’s the one you’re looking for, AA with all that funny mattressey stuff inside’ which brings me to the best reason I can think of to have a boob job – I would no longer have to spend a fortune on padded bras (when I have found them, thanks to big-mouth daughter) and my underwear drawer would not be overflowing with enough foam to reupholster several three piece suites.