Following – unwittingly – in same vein as yesterday’s post on reinvention, here’s one about boob jobs.

I have received a press release from This is because I have written about boob jobs quite often and as a result have had grounds to consult with the experts regularly. Oddly – or perhaps not so oddly? – in this case the expert is a man.

No matter. He writes that ‘Women say: It’s a storm in a ‘C’ cup’ and that major new survey reveals Posh and Jordan’s figures are at bottom of the list of celebs to emulate.  I’m not entirely sure why this is news? I’ve never wanted to look like either. Especially not Posh who looks like a stick insect with tits. Big ones. Big enough to offset centre of balance so that she falls flat on her pretty little face (which you don’t often see because it’s hidden underneath outsized sunglasses) and risks breaking nose which would mean nose job too.  

I digress. The survey of over 1500 women considering boob jobs suggests ‘most women are more keen to emulate the natural curves of celebrities like Charlotte Church rather than the less ‘proportionate’ looks of Jordan or Victoria Beckham, and that they only want a bra cup one size larger than they currently wear’.

Other ‘fascinating insights into the thoughts and aspirations of women who are thinking of having a ‘boob-job”’ include suggestion that only 3% of women wanted breast surgery in order to attract more attention from males (bollocks!) and ‘The top reasons for wanting a breast augmentation are increased confidence (66%) and a desire to feel more womanly (30%)’.  

If I were to upgrade one cup size I’d be an almighty A cup.

I can think of several reasons to have a boob job – though none have much to do with either Charlotte Church or a desire to feel more feminine.

If I had a boob job, I would not have to scour the lingerie departments for tiny grown up bras (as opposed to wearing something from the teen section with Babe embroidered on one breast) , I would not have to suffer humiliation when Amelia roars from across the lingerie department – which contains 47 women all far better endowed than I am – ‘hey look mum, here’s the one you’re looking for, AA with all that funny mattressey stuff inside’ which brings me to the best reason I can think of to have a boob job – I would no longer have to spend a fortune on padded bras (when I have found them, thanks to big-mouth daughter) and my underwear drawer would not be overflowing with enough foam to reupholster several three piece suites. 


9 Responses to “Reupholstery”

  1. The Good Woman Says:

    Reminds me of the first (and only) time I took Bambi bra shopping. She grabbed the first DD that came to hand and ran into the food hall shrieking, ‘Mummy’s boobs! Mummy’s boobs!’

    A few men watching on looked amused but the sight of my C-cups was clearly a disappointment after that bit of marketing…

  2. Gorilla Bananas Says:

    Small boobs are sexy because they are virginal. As long as they are not too small, that is.

  3. Carolyn Says:

    At least you can’t sag.

  4. Primal Sneeze Says:

    Hey look mum, here’s the one you’re looking for, AA with all that funny mattressey stuff inside. Aren’t kids great?!?!

    I took my cousin’s two out for an afternoon one weekend I was visiting. 4 & 6 at the time and crazy about playing pool.

    After an hour in Smyths toy-store I asked whether they like to go to McDonalds or the pub (where there’s a pool table). The pub won hands down, but I knew I couldn’t bring them home unfed so I said we’d go to Mac’s first.

    Imagine the looks we got when the two began dragging out of me and screaming “Don’t want to go to McDonalds – want to go to the pub”.

  5. reluctantmemsahib Says:

    Good Woman – wow! That’s impressive; I’ve only ever managed to entertain lingerie floor! The food hall opens up a whole new realm of possibility!

  6. reluctantmemsahib Says:

    GB. Virginal? I think not. As a teen I was a glorious B cup. As distinctly non virginal – 3 kids (the assumption my youngest makes then is that I must have ‘dun it’ three times) I am a miserable double A. Sad. But true.

  7. reluctantmemsahib Says:

    Carolyn. No; they can’t sag. But bottom can. And sadly, does.

  8. reluctantmemsahib Says:

    Primal Sneeze – love it, love it, love it. And am in full agreement with wee ones; I’d opt for pub over Big Mac any time.

  9. Roberta Says:

    Don’t feel bad. I once knew a woman that was concave. We called her Spoon Girl.

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