Taking the Longer View

 

My views have been foreshortened.

I sit on a strange verandah with the odd stick of familiar furniture surrounded by disorientated animals.

I’m trying to be long sighted.

 

I am trying hard not to be bitter than our dreams were shredded, ripped up, trampled all over and tossed to dismissive winds by those we thought we could we could rely on to propel them forwards.   We believed in you, I want to scream, why didn’t you believe in us?!

I am trying to forget that two huge moves in nine months have cost us enormously – financially, emotionally, physically. I am trying not to mind that in those moves my precious glass kiln was damaged beyond repair. I am trying not to think about the fact my son will never bump about in the pickup we used for work because he felt part of our little family team when he checked the trees or ran errands, that water-baby Hat who loved the sea won’t be able to ocean-swim when she comes home for the holidays. I am willing myself to keep focused, not mind that I hate the house I am in, hate not having wheels, miss my friends, my sister, Asina, my bit of Africa. I am – especially – trying not to seethe with rage that my Ant has his aspirations asphyxiated.  ‘Aren’t you angry, don’t’ you feel let down, aren’t you disappointed?’ I ask him. Of course, he says mildly, but there’s no choice except to move on. Keep going. One foot in front of the other.

 

I miss the beach, the sea, the sky, the space, oh God, the space. I miss the way it all spilled carelessly, abundantly about me.

But Ant is right. Move on. Keep going. One foot in front of the other.

Keep your eye on the Big Picture.

Even if you can’t see it yet.

 

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23 Responses to “Taking the Longer View”

  1. janerowena Says:

    I’m so sorry – you really have had a tough time over the past few years, I had hoped that you had found peace at last. I’m sure you will eventually but if you have to live somewhere walled, is there a hillside that you could live on? I need long views too, and I found that the only way to create the illusion of no walls is to plants shrubs in front of them – which brings its own problems of hiding places for creepy things.

    • reluctantmemsahib Says:

      thankyou janerowena, i am looking for a place with views. i will find one. i will. i will find the right place (repeat as a mantra …!)

  2. Potty Mummy Says:

    I would be struggling with all that too. Would love to say something motivating and uplifting but I guess I’m commenting as much to say I’m still listening as anything else… x

    • reluctantmemsahib Says:

      hello Potty, listening is good. listening is great. listening is exactly what you need when you’re ranting, even into the – especially into the – silence of the ether. thank you x

  3. D. Says:

    Oh dear friend who I have never met – such heart ache. I hope your writing and the knowledge that there is this group out here in the ether pulling for you will be some small comfort.

    • reluctantmemsahib Says:

      it is D, it is. you can’t talk it out in the quiet syrup of the ether, but you can write it out and somehow pinning my fury/confusion to the page helps? thank you

  4. Addy Says:

    So sorry you have all this upheaval for nothing and now need some direction to move forward to. Fate has a way of intervening and I hope will show you the way soon.

    • reluctantmemsahib Says:

      I think you’re right Addy. Fate is the big decider, this is part of a plan. which is why i ought to know better than to make my own x

  5. robyn Says:

    i’m so so sorry. devestating that this dream at the moment won’t be made into a reality. at the moment. try not to dwell-so so hard. onwards.

    • reluctantmemsahib Says:

      i’m getting better at not dwelling. i’m getting better at doing what Ant tells me i must. onwards. as you say. thank you for reading

  6. Lottie Lockwood Says:

    Sometimes life hits us with everything it’s got and I guess you just have to keep trying to move forward no matter how heavy your feet are… xxx

    • reluctantmemsahib Says:

      you do Lottie. and even though it feels hard i (think I) know it makes us bigger, braver people. that’s what I boldly tell myself!

  7. Pat Says:

    So sorry for you Anthea,I know it really hurts to be let down by those you think you can trust. Maybe it is for the best ,time will tell. LOL PatXO

  8. Carol Says:

    I love the sand island pics – and I miss you too. But – it might all turn out okay – Hat may be able to be at day-school, your kids will experience another African country, you will find another house (and set up the kiln again), you and Ant have each other. Kenya will be here, situations may change. I can see how disappointing it all is – I’m disappointed too (but for my own selfish reasons – a sister living on the most wonderful piece of coast that I could just go and stay with was the envy of all my friends).
    It will get better – and I will see you soon I hope. Lots of love – carol

    • reluctantmemsahib Says:

      i know. you’re right. i know all of that, good things will come, a brand new adventure. it’s just early, lonely days. and I miss you x

  9. Kit Says:

    I feel for you living without views when you used to be able to stretch your eyes to their limits.It’s hard to adjust your focus after you’ve lived with all that space. I hope you find your way forward to more long views very soon.

  10. kmcalpine Says:

    Thinking of you 🙂

  11. Nicola Says:

    many years
    my dreams sat on the horizon
    until one shocking wave
    gone
    spent much time
    searching
    searching
    the horizon
    come back dreams
    i cried
    but, no, they said
    we had to make place
    for
    the new ones.

    xxx

  12. Marianne Says:

    So sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Sometimes life just does this but in all the turmoil, good things will begin to grow and thrive.

  13. Iota Says:

    Am catching up with your blog. What happened? I’m so sorry. Keep blogging. You can see that we all want to know what is going on with you, as you plant one foot in front of another.

  14. Deirdre Says:

    I needed to hear Ant’s words today, too … and I’m glad you’re still around … I understand how you feel … hang in there and keep writing!

  15. Joanna Says:

    I’m so sorry Anthea. Don’t know the details but just found out you’re no longer at SI. Hoping as you read this the right place is coming into sight. You have so many people out here routing for you. I’m one too x

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