The agapanthus in the garden are all blue and big headed. They nod in the breeze, as if in communion about when the rain may come. It does. Gently mostly. At night. Or fiercely in the afternoon, letting off steam. And then Jip and I go tramping on the farm, me in my wellies which gather muddy clods so that when I get home I’m at least an inch taller.

The blues leak a little. I am not unhappy. Not exactly. But there is a quiet sadness fraying my edges. Just a little. I can’t quite grasp it, but I can feel its nearness. This year, this Christmas, will be the first ever without my children. We are all scattered about the globe now, they working and grown up and far from home and further because this pandemic has hamstrung travel. Flights are erratic, quarantine rules change on a whim and they can’t afford to find themselves trapped in the wrong corner of the world: they have jobs to hold down now. We tell each other we will toast one another via Zoom on the day and that there are so many other families in the same distant predicament, and we will all spend too much money on line, trawling the virtual aisles of invisible shopping malls buying gifts to try to fill gaps. They won’t of course; presents cannot fill an absence. There is nothing in the world that beats sitting around a table cracking open beers, dissecting a year or telling stories or roaring with laughter. There is nothing in the world that beats being able to touch my children, hold a hand, bend to kiss salty heads after long swims as they nap. Even now. Even now when they’re barrelling towards 30.

So for now I will watch my views and listen to the rain and smile at the ‘aggies’ as they nod agreeably at me whenever I pass, with Jip, on a walk, in my boots. For now I will do my best to live in this moment. This one.


One Response to “Blues”

  1. Addy Says:

    So sorry your children cannot visit for Christmas but I think most people here are in the same boat and dont know if it will go ahead as normal or not. We live in crazy and unsettling times. As I read somewhere, better to have one christmas without loved ones rather than miss christmas with them forever. Sending (((hugs)))

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